Bill Donnelly muses over the perils of winter training

Bill Donnelly / 22.01.2010

The season is becoming quiet, the elation and disappointments are dwindling. The snot is running freely during our training runs and our eyes are watering on the bikes. First, some words about trail running in the dark: try to wait till the leaves are matted a bit. Even in the daytime they can be threatening. Recently, I was running at dusk. The leaves were still fluffy. One right footed step landed in a mass of covert roots that landed me on my head and posthumous at the same time. After I came to consciousness we wrestled, the roots and I, for 25 minutes before they let me go. They were chuckling as I dragged myself away and bushwhacked to a road, crawling, with my headlamp on upside down and backwards. I have a possibly permanent scar on my left buttock in the shape of the Aleutian Islands.

So, the leaves are matted or you are diligent and delicate with your feet and/or have an MRI style headlamp; you’re travelling along at an unsteady clip and you catch the rustle of some wild animal in your left ear. You stop, look and “guess who” is in the freezing light on your head. Of course, White Tail Deer seem sweet and innocent but due to loss of habitat, the lack of cougars, and overcrowding, the picture has changed. The kind ones try to warn evening runners by wearing side-to-side sandwich boards that say . . . HERBIVORE NO MORE!

Personally, I have not yet lost flesh but it is just a matter of time. The concept of protective clothing takes on a new and deeper meaning. I don’t believe that their canines have evolved as yet but word has it that they are as adaptable as roaches and as enthusiastic as rats. Spell out the word KEVLAR and wear it. Remember that deer are way faster than you (especially when bushwhacking) but cannot climb worth a damn. If you are tree'd your whistle may help but waiting works well. Deer tend to get bored after a few hours of “nothing munching.”

Generally, bunnies are safe, but not always. Day or Night, they may do that frozen, “you can’t see me” thing. If one happens to be right in the middle of the trail, frozen, and you happen to not see it till you are upon it and you happen to make the grand leap and said bunny happens to freak at the same time, he/she may just jump straight up with all her might, and you may happen to find yourself sprawling and breathlessly screaming with your hands upon your genitals and your eyes rolling back in your head.

Ms. Bunny, at this point, has probably landed in her exact same spot on the trail, ears flopped over her surprisingly weapon like head with a look as if she has just spent a “galloping for your life” type of evening with Ivan the Terrible. I’m not saying this has or has not happened to me but I have taken to wearing a protective cup inside my Kevlar Panties. If you’re low on cash you can fashion a cup with half a coconut shell and 29 lineal feet of 1 inch adhesive tape and your favorite (read “lucky”) pair of panties.